“The Quit My Life” series tackles 9 topics of sabotage that I am in the process of conquering. I wanted to share my journey to my readers as maybe this suffering can help someone get out of their suffering.
I was a failure at building and maintaining relationships. Apparently, you need that skill set in order to network and grow a legacy built on loyalty, trust and love. I didn’t get that memo until early 2016 when my life crumbled under its last good leg. Though I was a failure at relationships most is my life, I somehow kept a place in people’s minds and hearts even long after my absence. Why is that? I am an honest, gentle, loving, intelligent, creative, funny, cute and adoring lady that everyone was cool with but that nobody really respected. I had credibility only when my hard work proved to top everyone’s effort. So why didn’t I respect myself more?
I always said what I wanted to do but hardly do what I always said. It’s not that I lied it’s just I let fear, doubt and indecisiveness control my every thought and move. Because of this ongoing self-sabotage I have let things and people most did to me fade away – while going about my normal routine. It was all learned behavior with growing up seeing multiple relationships fail and not having anyone around to teach me how to grow a foundation.
I became disappointed in myself so much that I couldn’t even get that angry when people disappointed me. No, that’s not the same thing as being taken advantage of. It had to take a lot of self-abuse to finally drop down to my knees, throw my hands up and want to go back to church. I have been led astray for so long without having any real standards. I wasn’t living at all to my potential so I decided to quit my life and start a new, better-equipped life. The life I deserve and the life I have always dreamed of.
What is behind The Room? We all have access to our own rooms of life. But we need help navigating to it or even getting the right set of keys.
You know what they say about doors – when one closes another opens.
But what if you already have the key and know the room number but just don’t know the floor?
That’s where it gets interesting. You become a detective and an adventurer trying different floors until you come to the right one.
I feel like that right now. I finally made it to the floor and I have the key in my hand and heading towards the room.
What’s in the room you say? The life that I want and need. Everything is exactly how it’s suppose to be leading up to this moment. Just a few more adjustments with turning the key and I’ll be in there.
Wish me luck while I make my own reservation with THE ROOM!
From birth we are told what would make us happy. We can’t be told what would make us happy, we have to seek it from within ourselves.
When we are young, we are told what others think will make us happy. We are told to do this to get here or do that to get there. We are never told that happiness starts within us and in order to find true happiness, we have to look within ourselves. Growing up, you are already seeking the wrong answers to the most profound problems. These problems and solutions lies within us and us alone. You are your enemy and your best friend.
Last year, I thought finding a stable job would make me happy. For some aspects it does, but those same aspects are proving to be false ideologies. What is the point of funding a lifestyle that has no meaning or value? What is the point of suffering in a job you dislike when your personal life isn’t even fulfilling? Once again, these questions can be answered within.
At first my new job was just a means to get to my ultimate goal. But I have lost sight of my goals and my motivation. I am too comfortable. I am too comfortable not being fulfilled. That is a dangerous road because then I would seek more pain and sabotage my efforts to get out of my black hole. And I keep thinking to myself, as long as I recognize there’s a black hole then I can deter from it. That’s not the case anymore as I am falling head first into it seemingly on purpose.
So what do I do now? I still haven’t found that answer quite yet but there is something that does make me happier and that’s to build and live off of my own empire because it’s something I built from scratch.
When Maya Angelou first wrote her poetry, her teachings, her inspiration, her writings, did she know she would touch so many people? I know she had that moment when she asked herself. I had that moment too.
I honor Maya Angelou with this:
I know she had a moment in her life when she first realized that not only were her words meaningful but it personally spoke to people; that it changed people’s lives in a positive way. I’m sure she thought to herself, “How could my words possibly affect people like the way other Black poets and writers before me have? How could people even acknowledge me with these words?”
She probably at first wrote because she loved to write or it was therapy for her. She didn’t know when she started publically writing that she would touch millions with her love of spreading inspiration, writings and teachings. I too had those moments. And then I understood that my words can touch millions as well. After all, it has touched hundreds, maybe thousands so far. It’s crazy to know this as I’m writing because I just love to write. But I also realize I have the gift to just help people no matter what topics I know about or don’t know, I try to give myself to helping others along their path of righteousness and try to live better lives.
I realized I had a gift of writing and changing people’s minds and hearts when I wrote a graduation piece about my progress in a youth program. I was 17 years old at the time and was very shy and introverted. I had insecurities about my weight but I got up on stage anyway and began to speak. I just spoke from the heart and for that I received a standing ovation with tears from everyone who heard it. People that attended the ceremony were still talking about after 5 years. It had THAT effect.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you never know that the things you enjoy in life, when you share it with others it might change their thoughts, their minds, their souls. You never know that the words you speak or write from the heart can change resonate with so many people who are different from you. That’s why you should always guide people with your heart and give them the praise they need and the love they crave because its contagious and leads to a better and fulfilling lifestyle.
I thank you Maya Angelou for your teachings and words that helped me flourish into the writer, teacher and poet I am today.
Its March already, time sure went by so fast. It’s that quarter of the year to check on New Years Resolutions. What’s on some people’s minds: How are we stacking up with our New Years Goals? My year started like 2013’s ending – a big ‘ole flop.
I thought I was going to do things differently – I was to set my mind over matter. Instead I self-sabotaged my way into 2014. I can honestly say that in situations where you cannot help yourself overcome sabotaged your own efforts, an outside force must throttle you out of the loop. It’s when that outside infliction forces you to act right simply because your choices to NOT act right are limited.
The Struggle is Real #TeamQuaisha – My New Years Resolutions for 2014
Overall I am declaring a #teamQuaisha year. I am to conquer my mental health and physical health issues because I am battling depression, anxiety and other negative thoughts.
I have to change this year because there’s only one way to go and that’s up. I’ve been at the bottom and feeling the lowest and there’s no more levels to fall back down to. I’m starting on the steps and going straight up to the top.
My specific new years resolutions are to:
Cut down on negative thoughts by 80 % and focus on my dreams of being a business owner..
Learn how to edit video because I plan to do more video blogging and streaming gameplay
Continue with my curves gym meal plans to learn how to eat portions
Get in more exercise everyday not just the 30 mins at the gym
Hug more people in random conversations
Meditate daily because that increases positively, elevate stress and improve brain functions. And I need to improve patient to deal more with stupid clients and customers for my business.
And the last because I can continue to list more but at this point no one will give a damn, a Wii U, PS4, XBox One, PS Vita, Steam machine, Roku, Ouya, Gaming rig, video equipment and a new apartment to fit all that shit in.
I even made a chart called “my accountability” where I mark different aspects of my life that I am improving day by day. And for $5.00 I can give you a copy because I’m poor and I need to eat.
The Belle Jar by Anne Theriault shared her personal opinion about the recent sexual assault and rape in Steubenville stating that the two teenagers convicted of raping a sixteen year old girl, sentenced to a combined three years in juvenile prison, “is a fucking joke”. And rightly so because this is the rape culture that social media is at the forefront spinning its various “truths” yet not a single “truth” was given.
She goes on to state a truth that all of us need to read:
This rape, and any rape, was wrong because women are people. Women are people, rape is wrong, and no one should ever be raped. End of story.
Even in 2013, a women’s value is only measured by what she can offer in a relationship or who they belong to. Of course if you say it like that, it seems archaic doesn’t it? But we live by that rhetoric daily and all over the world. Anne simply says “Women are not possessions. Women are people.”
She also details why the rhetoric is so bad:
For one thing, what does it say about the women who aren’t anyone’s wife, mother or daughter? That they deserve to be raped? …That they are not worthy of protection? That they are not deserving of sympathy, empathy or love?
What we need to teach to every person, regardless of sex, race, religion, status, age, sexuality, education, or home, is that they are loved, honored and valued because of who they are and that they should have a merit system for every action they take. Then can you treat others with the integrity and respect you were taught.
The Day My Depression Flew Away – How I Overcame My Massive Depressive State.
After watching a documentary about emotions and how they have an effect on our lifestyles, I began to think about depression and its lingering to hold on to a person for a long period of time. Since I was 16 years old, I felt fully aware that there was something wrong with my mental state and it was causing me to have massive amounts of weight gain. Realizing that my efforts to talk to my relatives about this was not working, I immediately sought counseling in my high school. Once to twice a week I would pour out my emotional baggage and it felt so good. Before, I used to write poetry. During counseling sessions, I was told to keep an emotional diary, for when I didn’t have sessions. Both the poetry and diary helped me in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined and of course the counseling helped a lot too.
Pinpointing The Problem
I felt that I could overcome what ails me in my journey, however, I still was not sure about what exactly ailed me. It’s really hard to pinpoint the exact something that makes you depressed or sad. I tried the best I could to keep the diary and talk what caused my emotions to go sour. I am usually a happy person but there are some people who are on the extreme sides of emotions. When I’m happy, I’m really happy. When I’m sad, I’m really depressed. People are really alarmed when I am sad because I am not sad often. I could hide it extremely well from people. I was that person and I started to believe my own lies when it came to my emotional state.
My Truth and My Endurance of the Human Condition during Hurricane Sandy
Hurricane Sandy Newscast Image October 2012
The City of New York has a reputation – Loud mouths, shady, corrupt, self-centered, greedy, desolate, junkies, hard-knocks – the adjectives keep on coming to describe NYC’s vibrant community. From Police Officers to Majors. From Firefighters to Bodega workers. There’s every shade of skin and every kind of job you can think of. There’s every type of neighborhood and every type of store.
On Monday, October 29th, 2012, the community was tested; humanity and civilization, moral compasses and common sense were all to be judged by the eye of Hurricane Sandy. the truth shall set you free whether its something you can handle or avoid.
Electricity – Enjoyed by many, destroys lives by millions
Nature has her strategies to wash away fifth and systems that work against her well-being and to try and correct mistakes. And on that day and to the time of writing this truth, she has done just that She revealed the truth – lies, misinformation, manipulation, royal fucked positions and the dependence on everything electrically-operated.
Electricity, current, wattage, are all suppose to be a helper to humans, not a crippler. The invention of the first practical light bulb made by Ancient Egyptians was not made to have a society built around it but as a helper tool. Egyptians used nature to their benefit not create sub-naturally product to sustain life. Take away the one source of power that a community functions by and you have yourself a non-civilized situation.